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Tuesday, December 27, 2011

A Heartbreaking Year 2010

Two deaths in the family. That's why I haven't blogged in over a year! My father-in-law lost his battle with cancer and I had a miscarriage. Tough stuff. I still find myself getting weepy when I think of the loss of either one or both. Seeing my mother-in-law find her way without her life partner since she was 18 years old has been inspiring. She has made bold steps to create a new normal for herself. I can't imagine what life would be like to lose a soul-mate after living together for over 50 years. Ugh! I know my dear father-in-law is in a much better place, my hope is in Heaven, and with Jesus the Christ.

The miscarriage, that is too tough to write about yet. I am teary-eyed just thinking about it. My sister, my cousin and my niece all had healthy babies last year. They all recently turned one year old. Again tough stuff for me, but I am thankful to be surrounded by them all. I love them. The babies, they bring me such longing in my own heart but yet overwhelming love swells up to watch each new development in their lives. They are all now walking, a bit like Frankenstein.

Both my husband and I have gained emotional weight. Crud! I have never weighed so much outside of being pregnant (with my only birthed son.)  I once thought, after hearing that Rene Zellweger gained 30 pounds to play Bridget Jones in Bridget Jones' Diary, that I wanted to do that, gain weight...and then lose it quickly, like she did. Just to prove I could do it. Up to that point I hadn't battle with weight issues. That was several years ago, and who thinks that kind of thing. Wanting to gain weight to lose it! What was I thinking!? Now, I've gone and done it, gained not quite 30 pounds but close enough to warrant a GET OFF YOUR BUTT AND MOVE IT alarm. Yesterday, Stud Muffin and I went for an hour walk. You can't walk for an hour let alone 30 seconds from our house without encountering HILLS. Therefore, my butt is sore, and my quads are sore going up and down our stairs.

My peanut M-n-M savant husband won the M-n-M prize two years in a row for guessing the number closest to how many M-n-Ms were the a jar at the Christmas party. Side note: He also received five pounds of his favorite candy/peanut M-n-Ms as Christmas gifts. I just measured out 1/4 cup of M-n-Ms. It is 17 candies and 220 calories. Do you know how many times our hands have been in that jar since he won it?  Too many "just a handful" of 220 calories EACH! It takes running two ten-minute miles to burn off that "handful" of M-n-Ms.

Despite her great loss, my mother-in-law has taken on a host of new challenges at 76 years old! She is doing yoga on Mondays with my sister-in-law. She walks everyday. She has lost considerable weight and she is eating well. She is volunteering at a non-profit shop for breast cancer. And she is a breast cancer surviver. I know her heart still aches for her husband yet she has found a way to work through it and to shine in a new way.

What will be the spark to light my fire? I don't know yet. I keep facilitating between being cynical about life and being hopeful of the future. I do believe that the cynical voice is diminishing and the hopeful is re-emerging. More time will tell. I have ideas of what I want to try in the new year. Whatever it is children will most likely be involved, somehow.

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